Saturday, May 17, 2014

Week 20 of 52: Cafe Convos with A & J ~ Act 1, Scene 1

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Andrea & Julia sit inside Coffee Shop located in the hub of a quaint neighborhood. They are seated at the window, which overlooks the patio, busy sidewalk, and street.  A is drinking green tea and J is drinking iced yerba mate tea. A has her laptop open and is half-heartedly composing an email to her coach, mostly she is just looking out the window. J is busy texting on her phone.

J: Sorry, just going to be a minute.

A: No worries. Just checking out the scenery (scans the patio patrons) nothing noteworthy it appears. (looks back at computer, and frowns)

J: Agreed. Hey! Tommy Chong’s playing cards. I think he’s winning.

A: (looks over at the card table where Tommy Chong sits with 3 other aging hippie dudes playing his weekly card game) How often do you think he washes his headband?

Headband was cleaner than that!
J: (looks up from phone to assess the condition of Tommy Chong’s headband) I would say pretty regularly, it looks nice and clean, crisp. No stains.

J points to sidewalk where two hipster dudes are walking by.

J: Beanie wearing? Toques in the summer… (shakes her head disapprovingly)

A: So not cool.

A very stylish man walks by on the sidewalk and both A & J just gawk at him. A’s mouth drops open. The man walks up from the sidewalk into the café.

A: He’s coming in here?!  

J: Wow! He looks like he should be strolling the beaches in Southern France.

A: He’s dressed really well…and he has a really nice nose.

J: He’s trying too hard.

A: Did I ever tell you about the noses?

Stylish like this but w better hair.
J: What? Noses? I don’t think so… (J looks at A with skepticism)

A: (gets really excited, claps hand in excitement) So, in a perfect world, AndreaLand we will call it, where I get to do whatever I want…

J: Naturally.

A: Every nose that I like, when that person dies, I would get to saw off their nose and preserve it in a tiny jar of formaldehyde. Each nose would have its own little jar. I would have a collection of tiny jars, each one with a nose. I think I would display them on my mantle. In this world, I have a mantle.

J: Oh yeah. I remember this now. (J looks moderately disturbed by the story)

A: You tried to block it out didn’t you?

J: Tried to, yes. And now I remember the rest of the discussion…about whether or not it was considered a compliment if you told people that when they die you would eat them.

A: (looking at stylish guy) I would totally eat him.

J: Yes, ok. So I recall we came to the conclusion that it was indeed not considered a compliment to tell people you would eat them, especially to people you don’t know.

This one is so going in the jar!
A: yeah, I don’t get that. I would totally take it as a compliment if someone told me they would eat my body as a way of celebrating my life.

J: Right, like people who can’t let go of their dead husbands, and they hold on to their ashes and eat them.

A: They eat the ashes? Really?

J: Yes! I saw it on My Strange Addiction.

A: That’s so cool.

J: ummm…that is not how I would describe it, I think the word gross is more fitting actually. (Pauses then continues) And what do they do when they run out of ashes? How are they going to deal with the death then? There is only a finite amount of ashes.

A: I would think that eating the ashes is a way of dealing with death.

J: I don’t think a very good way.

A; Everyone deals with grief differently, it is a very individual thing, Julia.

J: I know that. I just don’t think it is a very healthy way of dealing, Andrea.

A: (burst of excitement, knocks stool over) It’s like cannibalism!

J: I’m not sure why you are shouting now. (J looks around the café concerned) I don’t know why we need to talk about this so loudly. And why you had to knock over your stool. And yes, it is like cannibalism, obviously.

A: Sorry, I was a little too excited. (picks up stool and sits back down) So what happens then?

J: I need some food…what happens when? What are you talking about now?

A: Did she go to jail?

J: Ok people are looking, what are you talking about?

A: (exasperated) the woman who eats the ashes of her dead husband!

J: No…

A: so what you are saying is that some types of cannibalism are legal? Like if I decide to eat ashes, it’s ok but if I eat flesh it’s wrong.

J: I don’t think I said it was ok. I don’t think anyone would say to eat someone’s ashes is ok. But you do raise an interesting question. (pauses) I don’t know the answer off hand…I wonder, is it the act of cutting people and eating the flesh that is so offensive? But if we consume the body in a smoothie it’s ok?

A: I just think, if it is ok to eat ashes, it should be ok for me to drink someone’s blood and eat their flesh.

J: Not following you.
This one could work...

A: It is totally like communing with God or Jesus! (sees adorable baby outside with mom on the sidewalk, opens window wider and yells out) This is the world you have been brought into baby! Congratulations!

J: (looks at cute guy sitting beside her and says) sorry are we bothering you with this random conversation?

A: I think she means awesome random conversation (talking to guy).

J and cute guy talk for a bit while A pontificates further on cannibalism.

A: Seriously, let’s think about this communion idea. We could take a cheese grater and peel off the face, I think that would work, and make little wafers out of it, like with circular cookie cutters.

J: (turns away from cute guy) Actually, no, that wouldn’t work. The skin is too tough for that.

A: What if it’s a really sharp cheese grater?

J: How sharp are we talking here? That would have to be a pretty sharp cheese grater but it could work I suppose; however, you would have to make the skin very taut for that to work.

A: So in theory, you could hold the skin in place while I cut it with a cheese grater?

J: Ok, I’m done with this conversation. I’m a little disturbed now and possibly a bit nauseated.

A: Hey that cute guy left that was sitting beside us…(looks around)…where did he go?

J: Yeah, that conversation was disgusting. How do we always end up talking about this kind of stuff anyways?

A: Oh there he is, he moved across the coffee shop. He’s now on the comfy couches.

J: Ok, I’m hungry. Want to grab a burger?

A: Yes, I’m famished. Let’s go.

A & J exit café.










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